“He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?”
I’m broken, Lord. Not “broken spirit” and “contrite heart” broken… just plain broken.
I’m not sure how I got here. I love You. I live for Your Word. I draw near to You each day. I try to let You live in me the best I can… and yet here I sit, in pieces before You. I need for You to show me how to balance justice and mercy.
I need You to come and perform open heart surgery, Lord. There is a root of bitterness deep inside me that I can’t seem to let go of. And I want it to go. It HAS to go.
I know You well enough to know that this root has no place in my life. I know that it does nothing but keep me from experiencing the joy You have for me. My mind knows that if I am to truly love and worship You in spirit and in truth, then I need to let go of these feelings I’m harboring. And yet I can’t seem to loosen my grip. Knowing what I need to do is not enough. I can say all the right things. I am well aware of what You expect of me in this situation… and yet there is a part of me that is holding tightly to this unforgiveness with white knuckles and I am powerless to release it.
Satan has been having a hayday with me. I look back over the things I have thought and said today and I am absolutely appalled. I cannot believe I let him create this much havoc in my life and cause me to feel this way. I don’t want to remain like this, Father. I know that it’s causing me more pain than perhaps even the one You are calling me to forgive. I am so tired of the battle, Lord. I’m tired of worrying over it. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of wasting energy on this garbage when I should be serving You instead. I’m tired of walking around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m tired of the knots in my stomach over routine church business. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m exhausted. I’m spent.
I know that to get past this is going to require me putting on my big girl panties and sucking it up. I know I will have to face the ugliness of sin in my own heart. I know I will have to move forward trusting that You know best and are working all things for my good, the good of my church, and for Your glory. I know I have to put this all in Your hands and rest in Your faithfulness.
Pry my fingers off this one, Lord. Forgive me for the darkness that I’ve allowed to creep into my heart. Fill me freshly with Your Spirit and move me to compassion… to faith… to hope… to love. Flood my heart with Your desires. Remove this doubt from me. Take away my insecurities and my fears. Destroy my anger and bitterness. Ruin my pride. Bring me down to nothing, Lord, so that I can look up at You from my heap on the floor and finally be focusing again on the One who has loved me endlessly and given Himself that I might be free of all this baggage. I am desperate for Your touch today. I am nothing without it, and certainly inadequate for the challenges that lie before me.
I’m begging You to renew my spirit. Refresh my heart. Restore my joy. Fill me with Your peace that passes all understanding. I am so needy, Lord.