Posted by: bellissimanh | April 12, 2011

Fragile: Handle With Care

A couple of years ago, I discovered (and promptly fell in love with) blogging. I quickly began following the blogs of many other sisters in Christ, and the Lord used each of them to encourage, convict, challenge and enlighten me. I soon was following more blogs than I had time to read, and there was never a shortage of inspiration and teaching to be found.

But somewhere along the past year, it seems that facebook and twitter have kind of overshadowed the blogosphere. Many of my bloggy friends have posts that are outdated, and they seem to have dropped off the map when it comes to that genre of communication. We still chat, of course, but most of it is done via other social media outlets, rather than the blogs.

It wouldn’t take you much more than a cursory look around this place to realize that I haven’t blogged myself in months. While I know some of the specific reasons I haven’t created a post over the last several weeks, I wonder… why the change overall? What is it about microblogging that has so captivated us?

Speaking strictly for myself, I recognize that my life has changed pretty dramatically in the last six months. First, I took on a new role at work, moving from part-time to full-time. I now leave the house before 8 and don’t return until nearly 5:30pm. Add to that making sure dinner is prepared each night and that the laundry and housework don’t take on a life of their own and it makes me about as busy as a traffic cop on the Fourth of July. Even as I type this, I’ve been interrupted at least four times – questions, ringing telephones, etc., and I’m now setting the computer down to put Noah to bed. BRB. ๐Ÿ˜‰

As if that weren’t enough, we made a decision to transition Jasmine from public school to homeschooling — you guessed it — at just about the same time my work schedule kicked into high gear. While I am VERY happy about that, and I know it was a decision we were led into by the Lord, it’s a big deal for us. Can you say overwhelmed?

Phew. I’m tired just writing this, let alone living it. Even so, I really miss blogging. I love taking the time to sit and think creatively. I love really meditating on the things the Lord is impressing on me through His Word, and then sharing those thoughts with others and being sharpened by the iron He places in my life. I love having an outlet when I’m feeling discouraged, and being refreshed by the prayers and fitting Scriptures breathed into my life by y’all. I love praying “out loud”. There’s something about etching my offering to the Lord in the Halls of this blog that makes Him feel closer… as if I could reach out and touch His face. And at times? I think I have.

So why is it so hard for me to commit to this wholeheartedly? Why does my effort not match my passion? Why is it so much easier to cram my thoughts into 140 character blurbs than to actually formulate paragraphs?

Some of it’s time, I know. At least that’s what I use for an excuse. But honestly? After some deep introspection? I’m convinced it’s more than that. Having suffered some real hurt this year, I think I’ve moved into a position of self-preservation. I’m all about being real. I always have been… but for a while now, things have just been too… raw. I value authentic Christianity above most anything else, whether people choose to believe that about me or not. What you see is what you get… the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think part of me has resisted blogging for a couple of reasons, both of which are tied up in this. Firstly, I don’t want to pretend. I hate that. But there are things that I just haven’t been able to share here, and for that reason, I couldn’t bring myself to write anything. It would have felt almost fraudulent to act as though everything was ok when it really wasn’t… to try and paint a picture of wholeness when all I felt was broken. Yet (and this brings me to reason #2) because of the betrayal and wounds I’ve taken on over the past year, I also couldn’t bring myself to lay it out there, bare and vulnerable. I’ve learned over the past year that not everyone can handle authenticity. Some people are downright frightened by it (and now I’m hearing Jack Nicholson scream “You can’t handle the truth!” in my head).

I’ve learned a lot this year.

I’ve learned that people are rarely who we think them to be, and that we all need grace. We need to have it lavished on us, and we need to lavish it on others. Generously. Wrecklessly. Even when — ESPECIALLY when — we think they don’t deserve it.

I’ve learned that family and true friends are a precious treasure, and we should never ever take them for granted. Encourage daily, laugh often, forgive quickly, love deeply. Be intentional about letting the ones you adore KNOW that they’re adored.

I’ve learned that just when I reach the end of my strength, I’m at the exact place God needs meto be so that He can show Himself strong. This is a lesson I thought I had learned a long time ago, particularly when Jasmine was younger, but apparently we can all use refresher courses from time to time.

I’ve learned that all of the Scripture I memorized last year served as an anchor for my spirit when things got tough. Those verses would come back just when I needed them most… a balm to soothe my wounded spirit, a prod to motivate me to obedience, a hope to cling to when things around me seemed to be falling apart, a reassurance that the Lord has never left me or forsaken me, that He is faithful to His Word, and that He speaks peace to quiet the raging storm in my heart, even in the midst of the chaos in my life.

Most importantly, I’ve drawn closer to a Savior that I thought I knew before… thought I loved… and have come to realize that the more I know of Him? The more I realize I just DON’T know. He has me in a constant state of wonder and awe… and I realize that I am just scratching the surface of who He is, and I’m learning to delight myself in Him. Not only that, but to trust that HE DELIGHTS HIMSELF IN ME — just the way I am.

Then Job answered the Lord and said: “I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. Listen, please, and let me speak; You said, ‘I will question you, and you shall answer Me.’

“I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.” (Job 42:1-5)

You are my Savior, my friend, and above all, my God. You are worthy. Praise You, Jesus.

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Responses

  1. That was wonderful Heather, thank you for sharing that ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Heather,

    I’ve missed you, but totally understand your break in blogging. I, like you, want to be totally authentic and some people cannot handle it. Do what you need to do and what you feel the Lord leading you to do. It is only when you are in that place of total obedience that you will find peace. Blessings to you

  3. I absolutely could have written this myself. Almost every single word.. But Im so glad you did. Loved it, and you!


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