Posted by: bellissimanh | January 21, 2008

Fix Me, Lord

“He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?” 

Micah 6:8 

I’m broken, Lord. Not “broken spirit” and “contrite heart” broken… just plain broken.

I’m not sure how I got here. I love You. I live for Your Word. I draw near to You each day. I try to let You live in me the best I can… and yet here I sit, in pieces before You. I need for You to show me how to balance justice and mercy.

I need You to come and perform open heart surgery, Lord. There is a root of bitterness deep inside me that I can’t seem to let go of. And I want it to go. It HAS to go.

I know You well enough to know that this root has no place in my life. I know that it does nothing but keep me from experiencing the joy You have for me. My mind knows that if I am to truly love and worship You in spirit and in truth, then I need to let go of these feelings I’m harboring. And yet I can’t seem to loosen my grip. Knowing what I need to do is not enough. I can say all the right things. I am well aware of what You expect of me in this situation… and yet there is a part of me that is holding tightly to this unforgiveness with white knuckles and I am powerless to release it.

Satan has been having a hayday with me. I look back over the things I have thought and said today and I am absolutely appalled. I cannot believe I let him create this much havoc in my life and cause me to feel this way. I don’t want to remain like this, Father. I know that it’s causing me more pain than perhaps even the one You are calling me to forgive. I am so tired of the battle, Lord. I’m tired of worrying over it. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of wasting energy on this garbage when I should be serving You instead. I’m tired of walking around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m tired of the knots in my stomach over routine church business. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m exhausted. I’m spent.

I know that to get past this is going to require me putting on my big girl panties and sucking it up. I know I will have to face the ugliness of sin in my own heart. I know I will have to move forward trusting that You know best and are working all things for my good, the good of my church, and for Your glory. I know I have to put this all in Your hands and rest in Your faithfulness.

I.have.to.let.go.

Pry my fingers off this one, Lord. Forgive me for the darkness that I’ve allowed to creep into my heart. Fill me freshly with Your Spirit and move me to compassion… to faith… to hope… to love. Flood my heart with Your desires. Remove this doubt from me. Take away my insecurities and my fears. Destroy my anger and bitterness. Ruin my pride. Bring me down to nothing, Lord, so that I can look up at You from my heap on the floor and finally be focusing again on the One who has loved me endlessly and given Himself that I might be free of all this baggage. I am desperate for Your touch today. I am nothing without it, and certainly inadequate for the challenges that lie before me.

I’m begging You to renew my spirit. Refresh my heart. Restore my joy. Fill me with Your peace that passes all understanding. I am so needy, Lord.


Responses

  1. You are beautiful. The fact that you understand your need to get rid of this festering wound to your soul speaks volumes about you and your relationship with Jesus Christ.

    Your prayer could be mine.

    Love,
    Xandra

  2. You are in my prayers. It takes the Lord to remove a root of bitterness; but when He does, life is so much sweeter, joy so much fuller. It’ so easy to let these things in, but takes supernatural strength to have them removed. Your cry to the Lord touches my heart; it has been my cry time and time again. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning. May God grant you the desires of this prayer. Love you.

  3. *Tears* My heart truly breaks for you.

    I love you gf

  4. Heather,

    I’m praying for you. While I don’t know the details, what you have shared leads me to believe that I have faced this very same situation and it took YEARS to heal!

    I can only say that it took me finally letting go, putting my pride on a shelf, and running to Jesus. I even asked Him to deliberately put me in situations that would allow me to repair a relationship that was causing all of the bitterness. What I didn’t know is that He also was leading me away from relationships that perpetuated the bitterness! Ouch!

    I can tell you that He has done that in just the last few weeks — after 5 years! I cannot tell you the way this kind of healing and freedom feels!

    Stay at it girl. Let Him be the Lifter of your head and just look up at Him and say, “Help me!!” It all begins with what you have done today — a cry for help!

    Blessings,
    Dori

  5. Yeah, bitterness. Apparently in AA groups the fourth step has something to do with this. I have a friend who is going to help me work through it. If you would like I can share what I learn.

  6. “Fill me freshly with Your Spirit and move me to compassion… to faith… to hope… to love.”

    Beautiful. That should be on all of our tongues. I know I could certainly use a fresh dose of the Spirit today and everyday.

    Heather, you are loved.

  7. Oh, dear sister, I have felt the bitterness and pain that you have described over things like “routine church business” and it is so hard. I finally let go and let God! I stopped listening to what everyone else was saying and telling us to do and followed God. I am praying for you!

  8. Oh, sweet Heather. I have been there…oh have I been there. I will pray for God to have victory in this and set you FREE from these feelings! He wants this so much for you!

  9. Heather,

    A modern day psalm. Thank you for opening your heart like this- This Psalm has touched my heart all week, wanted to share it.

    Psa 77:1 To the chief Musician, to Jeduthun, A Psalm of Asaph. I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.
    Psa 77:2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.
    Psa 77:3 I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.
    Psa 77:4 Thou holdest mine eyes waking: I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
    Psa 77:5 I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times.
    Psa 77:6 I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.
    Psa 77:7 Will the Lord cast off forever? and will he be favorable no more?
    Psa 77:8 Is his mercy clean gone forever? doth his promise fail forevermore?
    Psa 77:9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.
    Psa 77:10 And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.
    Psa 77:11 I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
    Psa 77:12 I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.
    Psa 77:13 Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?
    Psa 77:14 Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.
    Psa 77:15 Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.
    Psa 77:16 The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid: the depths also were troubled.
    Psa 77:17 The clouds poured out water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went abroad.
    Psa 77:18 The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook.
    Psa 77:19 Thy way is in the sea, and thy path in the great waters, and thy footsteps are not known.
    Psa 77:20 Thou leddest thy people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

    His tone changed when he remembered the works of the Lord. Don’t forget the works of the Lord.. He has been faithful, He wont stop now. His works in our own hearts and our own churches. We are His people! Love, S

  10. What honesty. God works best when we lay ourselves out before Him with no pretense. I know where you are! I struggle with this too.

    Kate

  11. My beloved country is on the international press. There is death and unrest everywhere. People driven from their homes and burnt. More are butchered and killed, flushed out of vehicles. People who have lived peacefully are suddenly killing each other. That is my beloved country Kenya. I believe deep within, there is bitterness an hate that has been kept for decades and passed on to generations and the last disputed presidential ellections has brought it out- THIS IS WHAT BITTERNESS AND HATE CAN DO TO A NATION. THIS IS WHAT ANGER THAT IS NOT DEALT WITH CAN DO TO A PEOPLE. As I walk on the streats of my City, I am afraid. I thank God every morning, that my life is still with me. i grieve in pains that several others have been cut – THIS IS WHAT BITTERNESS AND ANGER AND INJUSTICE CAN DO TO A PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALWAYS WALKED AND SHARED TOGETHER.
    On Wednesday 6/2/2008, I will visit our largest hospital in our country to meet the staff and share the word of God during their Lunch hour break. They have seen hundreds of bodies, thousands of many injured in the last one month, a result of the mayhem in our City – I asked God to give me a message and He led me to share about overcoming bitterness. Thanks for your message and please join us in our country- WE MUST GET RID OF BITTERNESS IN OUR PEOPLE AND WIN BACK THE PEACE OF OUR BELOVED COUNTRY KENYA. I will use every opportunity and forum available to me to attack this evil.
    Maurice

  12. My response when I find myself in a dark place of bitterness:

    “For God alone my soul, wait in silence; from him comes my salvation.
    He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortres; I shall not be greatly shaken.

    For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
    He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
    On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock,
    my refuge is in God.

    Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him;
    God is a refuge for us.”

    Psalm 68:1, 5-8

    This is surely not easy to do, but God’s grace empowers and enables us to do it. For me, the “waiting for God in silence” is the key. When I have poured out my heart to Him alone, He has not only rescued me from bitterness in a timely manner, but He has always taken it a step further and vindicated me.

    When I pour out my heart to others, things become a little more complicated, a little more painful and the rescue from bitterness is often a bit delayed until I re-align myself with Him again.

    I was blessed by the “outpouring of your heart to God” and I’m confident you are reaping his healing and salvation.

    Joy Martin
    Kansas City, MO

  13. How are you doing? I notice this was a year ago. Just happen to run across this and it sounds like me. I’m feeling really hopless and helpless right now…

  14. [...] http://bellissimanh.wordpress.com/2008/01/21/fix-me-lord/   [...]


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